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Somewhere to start from
Jul. 17th, 2024 02:48 pm I've considered up and down and sideways how to start this blog off, what I want it to stand for, what I want it to be. I'd considered making it dedicated to my interests in anime and manga, but that felt like such a niche part of what makes me who I am that I decided against it. They'll likely be mentioned still, but not as a focal point. I think, instead, that this place should act as a little window into my world as I navigate the big world outside myself. A touchstone of sorts. Somewhere to return to, to reflect on, and to reach outwards to others who may be in the same situations.
I'm chronically ill, mentally and physically. From a lengthy history of abuse and neglect growing up I developed C-PTSD, anxiety, depression. I didn't get properly diagnosed till I was in my 30's, as it wasn't until now that I've been able to openly discuss everything that really happened to me, and it's made a world of difference in my treatment options now that I'm properly medicated. Physically I deal with chronic pain from fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome. I deal with a condition called P.O.T.S, a type of dysautonomia, that makes it hard to even sit upright for too long in bed most days. It's a lot to deal with. It's very isolating, and when in combination with everything else I'm left feeling incredibly stunted compared to those around me. A sub-species of human. Some kind of science experiment. I'm grateful none of my conditions are life limiting, but sometimes it can seem cruel and unusual that I'm meant to have a long life without the healthy trappings other people get to boast as part and parcel with it.
I'm in college, now that I'm divorced. Originally I'd wanted to study Art when I was younger, but decided against it as my health worsened, knowing I wouldn't have the ability and drive to hustle as much as I'd need to in order to make that work for a career. I went for psychology next. But eventually, I settled on Social Work and have been pursuing my degree mostly online for the last while. I hope eventually to get my masters, so I can work in counseling remotely for people who need access to support in that way. It's been enlightening, and in some ways makes existence seem so much more bleak when you're aware of just how the systems are built, how purposefully flawed they are, and how much work lies ahead in even remotely trying to fix any of the damage already done and prevent worse from happening when a lot of people are vested in the profits that come from not caring about their fellow human beings.
I'm chronically ill, mentally and physically. From a lengthy history of abuse and neglect growing up I developed C-PTSD, anxiety, depression. I didn't get properly diagnosed till I was in my 30's, as it wasn't until now that I've been able to openly discuss everything that really happened to me, and it's made a world of difference in my treatment options now that I'm properly medicated. Physically I deal with chronic pain from fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome. I deal with a condition called P.O.T.S, a type of dysautonomia, that makes it hard to even sit upright for too long in bed most days. It's a lot to deal with. It's very isolating, and when in combination with everything else I'm left feeling incredibly stunted compared to those around me. A sub-species of human. Some kind of science experiment. I'm grateful none of my conditions are life limiting, but sometimes it can seem cruel and unusual that I'm meant to have a long life without the healthy trappings other people get to boast as part and parcel with it.
I'm in college, now that I'm divorced. Originally I'd wanted to study Art when I was younger, but decided against it as my health worsened, knowing I wouldn't have the ability and drive to hustle as much as I'd need to in order to make that work for a career. I went for psychology next. But eventually, I settled on Social Work and have been pursuing my degree mostly online for the last while. I hope eventually to get my masters, so I can work in counseling remotely for people who need access to support in that way. It's been enlightening, and in some ways makes existence seem so much more bleak when you're aware of just how the systems are built, how purposefully flawed they are, and how much work lies ahead in even remotely trying to fix any of the damage already done and prevent worse from happening when a lot of people are vested in the profits that come from not caring about their fellow human beings.
Normally I'd say I like to play videogames, read books, write, draw and do other such things for my hobbies. I still do love them. They're my passions. But it's become increasingly hard to do many of them as my ability to focus waxes and wanes, and the depression spikes because I can't do any of my "downtime" activities. I'm part of some support groups, but it still feels very isolating really, being a voice lost in the crowd of other people suffering with no end in sight. I'm hoping eventually that I'll be able to do my passions more, that I'll be able to take up crochet again and learn better ways to do it that wont hurt my hands. I hope to travel someday, I've several countries I want to visit on my bucket list, including a chance to go back to Italy and actually explore freely somehow if possible since I didn't get to when I lived there for a few years.
Moving forward from here, I plan to document things best I can. Or, at least as much as I can remember successfully to do. I have other places to do my more intense textual screaming when my mental health is bad, places I can scream and scream till I'm mentally hoarse and calm again. But I don't have anywhere that acts as a general journal space that other people are capable of seeing. So here I am. Hello. This is me.
